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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It annoys my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.